Hello. Don’t worry about the bomb. The story of how I became a victim and a lolcow
Make no mistake. This is fiction. All references to actual persons, places, or events is purley coincidential.
In the USA…
Hello. Don’t worry about the bomb.
Tonight, the President willl get on TV and tell everyone that both Russia and China are threatening to launch supersonic intercontinental ballistic missles at major cities across the United States.
But I’m here to tell you not to worry.
Why? Because I, Paul Stubbs, I have personally disarmed 97% of the ICBMs in their arsenals. As a spy for the CIA, KGB/FSB double agent, nuclear expert for the Department of Homeland Security, and a social media influencer, I spent the last 20 years working tirelessly to make sure their nuclear weapons are as impotent as non-violent resistance to fascism.
You see, when they launch those nuclear missles towards one of our most densley populated cities, probably DC or NYC or Chicago, or I heard someone suggest they’ll start with Omaha, just to fuck with us. When they launch the great big bomb, the great big bomb will travel supersonically through space. It can travel at a speed of 15 thousand miles and hour, 250 miles a minute, that’s 5 miles a second. And within 30 minutes, the great big bomb will soar through our atmosphere, flawlessly locate a major city center and hone in on a busy downtown intersection with perfect precision.
The great big bomb will be impossible to stop, threatening everyone within a radius of hundreds of miles with certain death or permanent disfigurement, and perpetual hereditary generic mutations, but the great big bomb, in its thin carbon-fiber shell will hit the ground with nothing more than a great big dink!
It will be an intercontinental ballsistic tin can. The “nuclear material” is about as dangerous as chicken soup – it might be a little too hot from traveling at supersonic speeds, so a few people might get 3rd degree burns. But that’s it.
As one of the top nuclear physicists in the world. I am well respected by my colleagues in the scientific community.
We, the nuclear scientists of the world, respect no borders and we see no scientific basis for nationalistic aggression. Even though I am a secret agent of the United States, I am truly loyal only to my fellow scientists. The USA just pays me, but they’re not the only ones. They pay me about 1 million dollars annually, but even that’s barely enough compensation considering the work I’ve done – you know, saving the human race.
My colleagues and I have worked together to covertly disarm nearly every single one of their nuclear weapons. We in the scientific community have taken it upon ourselves, and we have decided to protect all of humanity from this potential atomic apocalypse.
You’re welcome by the way.
There’s a decent chance that the Russians and Chinese are fully aware of my work. Although I have operated in totally secrecy and I am not yet subject to any travel restrictions by any nation whatsoever, there is a possibility they have discovered that their supposedly world-ending bombs are duds.
What are they going to do about it? Admit it?
Meanwhile in Russia…
Privyet. Ne bespokoytes o bombe…
Segodnya vercherom Prezident vydet na TV i rasskazhet vsem, shto i Amerika i Kitay ugrozhayut zapustit mezhkontinental’nyye ballisticheskiye rakety po krupnym gorodam Rossii.
No ya zdes, chtoby skazat vam, chtoby vy ne bespokoilis.
Pochemu? Potomu shto ya, Pavel Bezrukov, ya lichno obezvredil 97% MBR v ikh arsenalakh…и т.д. и т.п. и т.п…
Meanwhile in China…
Nǐ hǎo. Bù yòng jǐnzhāng…等等等等…
Signs that you too could be a victim
This is the story of how I became a targeted individual. This is the story of how I became a victim and a lolcow.
I am a persona non-grata in all nations on earth.
People often ask me: who is stalking you? Usually it’s police officers, undercover FBI agents, military veterans, freemasons, religious groups, and out-of-work actors.